I have been really living this walk out with Jesus for about 2 years now. And I get so many messages from you all with the loveliest compliments. And I am so grateful for them. But I would hate to give you the wrong idea. Things have not been easy. I struggle too. It is not always bowls of tasty oatmeal and perfectly staged bible shots. Its more than that. And recently its been shame.
It all started when I first fell in love with jesus. I was…naive because anyone who is a newbie in anything usually is. I believed God BIG and HARD for things that had fallen apart. I fought in prayer and fasted. There was this tiny thing in me that KNEW I was not asking for His will but for mine but…I pleaded with God to do it for ME. I got angry with Him because I didn’t understand why He just wouldn’t FIX it and just DO what I was asking. Of course now, I know that that closed door was a GIFT despite the pain.
It was hard to want something so badly and have reason to believe it COULD be but never seeing it come to fruition. I waited a LONG time…for NOTHING. I mean, I definitely learned so so so much in that season about my spiritual gifts, God’s faithfulness, and a hundred other things. But ask anyone who was around during that time: I WAS STRUGGLING.
I finally progressed past that and was able to get clarity on what that small voice was trying to tell me all along. But shortly after that new found clarity, I found myself in an eerily similar situation. I was back to believing God for the impossible. And again, deep down I knew something was off. I didnt have the peace I knew I should have. But again, I brought everyone along for my faith journey only to end up back where I was a year before.
Maybe youre thinking huh?? What happened?! Well my thoughts quickly got all twisted up with my emotions and the nudges in my spirit got shut down. It can happen in a moment friend. We can convince ourselves of anything with little effort. Don’t get me wrong, God was definitely speaking but I was taking what He said and giving it meaning that lined up with my will not his. Of course not intentionally, but the fact is that IS what I did. That is not easy to admit. But it was an important for me to learn that meaning doesnt always mean what you want it to mean. Feel me?
So after two “failures” under my belt and no answers for my family and friends who had been believing God big and hard for me…I was out of words. Out of scriptures. Out of understanding. Again, I never intentionally misled anyone. But the truth is I myself was misled because I had not let learned how to heed the still small voice. That voice was soft, quiet, nagging but yet so easy to override with layers of scriptures, revelations, prophetic words and more. I was defeated. Overwhelmed with:
“I should have listened to that voice. I shouldn’t have had everyone praying for things that were never going to happen. I messed up. Everyone must think im an idiot.”
These are the kinds of thoughts I have had for a year now. I thought they were normal because they just came and went like any other thought. But oh did they reveal what was really lurking between the surface as I set my sights on “moving on”.
I was so upset with myself. I don’t know why it is and was so hard for me to trust my instincts. I was frustrated with myself for not paying attention to what my insides were REALLY signaling to me. You know what happens when we don’t address those unhealthy thoughts or take time to properly heal from a season of confusion or mistake? It shows up later on.
A year later…It has completley stopped me from being able to believe God BIG and HARD for the things I am SUPPOSED to be believing for. This is something I just realized as I write this to you (saturday 3:45pm.) I have been PARALYZED. Absolutely frozen for MONTHS with uncertainty, fear. Going back and forth trying to remember to trust my instincts but living under this dark cloud of “what if this is part three?? I can’t do it again. Everyone will judge me. I will look so dumb.” I had no idea I was actually living in TORMENT. I had no idea what the root of all of this dysfunction that was happening internally was.
But on aturday, after a day full of life giving conversations, I was praying by myself at home and got an image of a tree. A tree with NO FRUIT. I asked God why there was no fruit on this particular tree and He said gently “beloved, look at the roots.” The roots were labeled shame, rejection, reputation. The trunk was labeled DOUBT. The leaves were labeled lack of faith.
And without faith, we both know that there can be no fruit.
I know this post is long but this is important stuff. I needed to understand what the ROOTS were to my doubt, my hesitation, my inability to move forward in faith. I could no longer just believe and declare that “I had the faith to receive what God had for me” or rebuke doubt. I had to actually uproot these strongholds that formed in my mind about who I was. Absolute overhaul of my thinking. DELIVERANCE is what I needed.
I had to ask God to dig up this root of shame. I had to ask him to heal me and rid me of the idol that is my reputation and peoples perception of me. I had to tackle the spirit of rejection that is dragging me down. I want roots of GRACE, FREEDOM, and LOVE for this particular tree. Because those kind of roots lead to trunks of WHOLENESS which leads to leaves of faith and the fruit of BLESSINGS. I have to dig these toxic roots up and get them out so that I can actually believe big and hard for the things that God has put on my heart to do.
Do you hear me friend? Please hear me. We have to get to the core of what is causing the doubt or the bitterness or whatever it may be for you. We cannot trim leaves when we should be digging up roots. Because wrong roots hinder and the right roots flourish.
Check your roots. I’ll keep you posted on mine.
Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for the tree is known by its fruit. Matthew 12:33